At this time in my life I feel very much that I am standing betwixt paths as I have talked about before. There are paths of schooling and careers, paths of relationships, paths of hobbies and talents, and many others. The trouble for me is not in knowing which are good, but which are best.
I had mentioned before how I had recently gotten a new knee brace. But this past week my joy of knee braces multiplied by 4! I actually got four knee braces unexpectedly in the mail. I had one already for my right knee, so now all I need is three more legs to go with them!
Ok, so I am not planning on growing legs, just as I did not plan on getting four braces in the mail. I actually only wanted one brace, that fitted. During the Christmas break I had a meeting with Dr. Heare, MaryAnne, and some of the others who work at the Orthopedic center at the Children’s hospital in Denver, CO. Dr. Heare was the one who did the hip replacement I had, and also the other reconstructive surgeries on my hips and knees. The staff up there is phenomenal. The reason I had met with him over Christmas was not just to get the brace, but mostly to ask about advice on when I should get my knees and other hip replaced. Predictably, the advice was the same as the last time I asked—
“When it hurts enough, get it replaced.” (I was going to go with “when you decide you need it,” but I think the “hurts enough” sounds tougher. :D). This decision has become more difficult than I anticipated it being. My original plan was to have them done right when I finished my mission, before starting school. But, as I was doing so well, I decided to postpone getting the surgeries done. The first plan was at Christmas, and now I am looking at this summer ~ maybe. The trouble is, I don’t really want to get it done. I would really just rather have my joints as they are work. I really don’t want to have the weeks and months of recovery and rehab. However, I have done those, and I know I can get through them. All that aside, what I do not know is what the future will be like with the replacements, and that is what makes me nervous. I am scared to make a step which I can’t go back from, and I am not sure the quality of life I will have after or what limits I may find.
Unlike reconstructing my joints, the plan our Heavenly Father has for us does not have a limit. Through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ we can continue to grow and progress. Repentance at times can seem more than what we are capable of, like a several hour surgery to get a joint replaced. It can take time after the initial confession to work and build up spiritual strength. I understand that a change can be scary. But I do know from the changes I have gone through in the past (with surgeries and others), the end can be better than the beginning—it always is as we depend on the Lord. I know that we can be “new creatures” in Him. That the old things can pass away, and not only can we find healing, but we can reach beyond where we were before. It helps me remember that I can have the faith to get through these surgeries because I know He will help me through them.