Less Lost, More Found

Continuing with the theme of getting lost in Indiana, I thought I would share a few more pictures of the adventures we have been having here. 

To start, there is this "Cancer Survivors Park" which continues to capture my interest. I wonder if there is a "Cancer Killed Park" somewhere, or something equivalent. When I think about being a "cancer survivor" I also think about those who have not survived. The park is honestly a little dilapidated. And while life is not the same as it was before--I am grateful for those reminders that life is a gift.

Recently walking back from my work at the Neuroscience center I ran into a gentleman who was going to visit a friend in the Eskenazi hospital. As we were talking he brought up the subject of God and we talked about that. One thing he told me he did not understand is why he lived, and did so well, when others have not lived.  I also learned the man he was going to visit had lost both an arm and a leg in the war, and had recently tried to commit suicide for about the 10th time.  While my own experience was different. I was grateful to know the source of peace, and guidance for why we live, and what God expects of us.

But, this was just a small part of the city, there was much more!

My Bones, My Bones!!

This picture is a little closer to how I have used my cane :)

I remember four weeks before I came here in the MTC I had had my right hip replaced.  This was the first of the replacements I am looking at, I also need to have to replace both my knees and my other hip replaced.  The damage to my legs is something which was caused mostly because of the cancer treatment I have gone through.  In starting here as a missionary I was not sure how my legs would do or how long I would be able to continue with the joints I have.  I have learned even more while being here as a missionary that God blesses us while we serve Him.  Not only have I seen tremendous improvement with the treatments with my lungs, and also with the GvH disease, but I have received tremendous strength in legs as well and I never really needed to use the cane I brought with me. (by tremendous I mean I can walk up and down stairs easily :)

 

However, in the recent weeks I have noticed a change with my joints.  My right knee has become a little moody.  Sometimes it will hold together, and other times it decides it will not stay together and it collapses on me.  I am blessed at this time that it doesn’t really hurt but is just more annoying.  All of this has led me to do a little thinking . . .

The Lord Slayeth the Wicked

Waiting for the doctor, during initial round of treatment.

If you remember from my previous post, Graduating from the ECP treatment, I was able to have my doctor’s appointment yesterday.  As I mentioned in that post, it is this next month which is the real test to how stable I can be without having the ECP treatment to help balance my blood.  So far, I do feel great!  With every appointment I have had for about the last year, I have actually had one service missionary who has driven me to almost every appointment, Brother Smith.  As I am almost done with my mission and Brother Smith has some other commitments this next month, it was my last appointment for him to drive me to.

While driving in the car, I was given a chance to reflect a little on the experience I have had with cancer.  One thing which has really stood out to me is how much support I have found from so many people who have volunteered, time, money, and many other things in my behalf.  I am very grateful for Brother Smith and for the time he has taken for what I am sure must have been some very boring and long days.  I was also able to reflect on the service given me from Ward members, friends, and family.  If I were to spend all day making a list of all the ways I have been blessed, I am not sure I could complete it.  And if I ever did come to a time I felt I had put everything I knew, I am sure there are many more things I would miss.  At this last appointment I had occasion to reflect on some very meaningful and humorous support I have had from my family.  It is about this support and the perspective it has given me which I wish to talk today.

Blessings and a Broken Head (Literally)

Please note the "I bleed true blue" shirt he is wearing :)

Last weekend I had an unexpected surprise.  On Friday evening while we were in the middle of a lesson, my companion Elder Fallentine mentioned that my Mom was messaging him on facebook.  I was a little confused at why she was messaging him until I heard the message, that my brother was currently in the emergency room here in Provo and my Mom was asking if I would be allowed to go and give him a blessing.  I was informed he had fractured his frontal lobe, but was ok.  With that little information my imagination did begin to wander very much.  What exactly does ok mean?  And how is it ok with a broken head?  Is ok simply that he isn’t dead, or he is conscious?  Or does ok also include significant brain damage?  And at the front of my mind, I needed to find out if I would be able to go and see him and give him the priesthood blessing, which I was.

In an effort to keep ourselves focused on serving the Lord, correspondence with our family is usually limited.  Although this is not the first time I have seen my brother, (as you can read here, Teaching Experiences with Cassia) I was blessed to go and see him in the hospital and I was able to give him a priesthood blessing.   He is recovering well, and many of the worries I had have been alleviated.  While the real purpose of going to see my brother was to bless and help him, I feel I was the one who was blessed the most.

A Bloodless Valentine

Today I am feeling great!  This morning I had my usual appointment down in Salt Lake with the ECP for the GvH from the Cancer.  I think today was the first time out of the last four appointments that I did not get a big spot of blood on my sleeve.  I talk a little about the appointments here, and here.  The gist of it is I am hooked up to a machine with an I.V. in my arm, and I am unable to move it for a few hours while the treatment runs.  After the treatment, the nurse wraps it up tight, and I am given instructions to not take it off for a few hours.  But it itches, it irritates, the hairs on my arm get stuck in it and ripped out—overall, mostly unpleasant.  I try my best to wait the allotted time, but it is so uncomfortable!  I lift the bandage . . . no immediate bleeding.  I rejoice, remove the wrap, throw it away, and one minute later I notice a dark red streak on my sleeve.*  But today was awesome!  I was blood free after removing the wrap.  

It made me think a little about how vital patience is in our lives.  The adage is true that says the best things in life are worth waiting for.  We have patience as it helps us to overcome the faults and weaknesses we have.  We are willing to accept God’s will and His timing.  We have faith and hope to wait for the Lords promised blessings.

For Valentine’s Day, how wonderful is the example of Jacob from Genesis chapter 29.  Jacob meets and falls in love with Rachel.  He promises her father, Laban, that He will work for her seven years.  The passage reads “And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.”  Jacob is instead given the older sister, Leah for a wife.  But with the love and patience Jacob had, he served another seven years and was able to have Rachel as a wife.  How many of us would work 14 years for the spouse we have?  Let us cherish those we love, and have patience with them.  Let us see the good qualities, and try to lift them up in all we do.

*F.Y.I. Hydrogen peroxide works really well to get the blood out, wash with cold water in the sink, and then send through the laundry ;)

Finding Some Light Because of Cancer

I love the video at the bottom! :)

“The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, they whole body shall be full of light” – (Matthew 6: 23).  Have you ever noticed how some people just seem to have a real glow about them?  Some people, all we have to do is make eye contact with them and suddenly our day is just a little better.  These people seem to expel sunshine from their face, something truly angelic.  I notice for myself, as I meet these people in my own life, I am drawn to them, and I have a desire to be close to them.  I do not believe this is happenstance, but rather a part of something which they have truly a part of them.  The source of this inspiring light is Jesus Christ.  He is the light we need to let shine for all men.  I know as we focus on serving and following Him, the periods and pieces of darkness in our lives can made clean and whole through the sacrifice and atonement of Jesus Christ.

Striving to make the light of Christ a part of us takes a daily effort on our part.  It is a continual effort of putting off the natural man, and turning, and then yielding our hearts to Jesus Christ.  Just as cancer can erode us physically, sin also can damage us spiritually.  Just as recovering from cancer is more involved than a simple pill, repentance also is much more than a simple confession in our lives.

Cancer Relapse Engraved in Gold

From my experiences in High School Chemistry I seem to remember that gold is one of the more pure and stable metals, in that it did not easily mix with the materials around it.   It is used in wedding rings, dentistry, all manner of jewelry, and I am sure science uses it for something important as well.  Gold is steady and sure.  It lasts.  These things coupled with the shine and beauty it has on its own is probably what makes it such a versatile and popular element.  We however have something which is infinitely more stable and helpful in our lives—the Love of God as brought to us through the Holy Ghost.  In sacrament meeting today, Brother and Sister Gee gave wonderful talks on what it means to trust God and how we can follow the promptings of His spirit in our lives.  I feel their words tie in with some difficult decisions in my life.  I have noticed in my own life going through cancer treatments how many times the right choice we make can seem like a bad choice at first, just like Nephi records on gold plates in the Book of Mormon.

A Rock, a Hard Place, and Moving on

The concept of a halfway rock is something that I learned about in scouting on hikes.  Most of what I remember about scouting hikes is walking up and down hills in the dirt, mostly staring at my shoes as I was too tired to lift my head, getting in trouble every time I tried to go off the path (something about preserving nature, which I never really understood), and all with a backpack which was too heavy and filled mostly with things I wouldn’t need.  Inevitably, as the hike would progress the fun would quickly fade to be replaced with fatigue and exhaustion.  I am sure it must have been equally tiresome for the leaders who had to listen to the “How much further?” every 100 feet after the first half a mile.  A combination of these circumstances is what I assume gave birth to the halfway rock idea.

The Holy Ghost and Wheel Chairs.

The blessings of the Holy Ghost seem innumerable to me.  The more experiences and trials I have had in life, the more I have been able to see how much the Holy Ghost does in my life, and how much He has done in the past.  When we are humble and seek after Jesus Christ, we can feel the Spirit work in our lives.

I remember the feelings of sorrow and despair I have had with the trials in my own life.  After multiple injuries and damages to my joints, I remember being in a wheel chair self-pitying myself and feeling as if the hope of a happy future was gone.  It was at this time I was able to go to a devotional where Elder Bednar spoke to just the young single adults in our stake.  He promised us we could write down a question, and if we listened to the spirit, we could find the answer that evening as he spoke.  The question I wrote down was quite simply “how long?”  It was not until after he finished speaking that I was able to find the answer.  The closing hymn was #85, “How Firm a Foundation.”  As soon as the music started, I remember the overwhelming sense of assurance that came over me.  I was not even able to recognize what the words of the song were.  But I do know the feeling of comfort that I felt.  I knew that everything would be fine.  I did not know how long my trial would continue, but I did know that despite what would happen I would have the support of Christ in everything I did.

That comfort and assurance comes to us because of the Holy Ghost.  One of my favorite verses from the New Testament reads; “Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” –Romans 15: 13.  I know as we rely on Jesus Christ and following His will, we can be filled with the hope of the future which comes from the Holy Ghost.

Finding the missing links in my life through leukemia

It is no exaggeration to say that many of the people who we interact with on the chat are very antagonistic to the message we have. I come across many of those who feel they have been picked on or deserted by God in their lives. I think people seldom worry about the cliché starving children in Africa, or those we read about in the news with the suffering all around the world. Many times we give those suffering a pause of thought, or a brief remark to the person next to us about how sad it is. But I feel it is a rare and precious soul who actually acts on those things. I have found in my own life things never really concern me until they hit home.


For me, my experience with leukemia has been something in which I feel has hit home. I feel it helps me to relate to those who feel picked on by life. I have always understood that with every trial we have we are supposed to learn something. People can tell us a stove is hot, but we can’t really know it is hot until we touch it ourselves. I feel leukemia has done the same thing to me, metaphorically touching the stove to know how trials can help me learn. I find it difficult to express the things I have learned in words. I have found there are things like sympathy for others, patience, and dedication; but I think the real thing has been the missing links which have given greater purpose and meaning in my life.

A break at the doctor's office.

I love being a missionary!  This is without a doubt the most meaningful thing I have ever done in my life.  However, I think it is plain in life that the most meaningful experiences never come without a little opposition.  As much as I love being here, I do find there are times the work I do here feels mundane and slow.  On those days it is hard to be enthusiastic and share with people the actual love I have of this gospel, and how much it really means to me.   The time we are able to spend away from the computer is a blessing, and a real “tender mercy” from God as I can see in my life.  As I am able to spend time away it helps me to recharge and get back into the work I love –teaching people about Jesus Christ and how He has blessed me.  One of the nicest breaks I have is to be able to go to the doctor’s office periodically for checkups.  Unless there is an emergency I found it the rare occurrence that something is done quickly.  Each of my appointments takes several hours, and I always find them to be a nice break from what I have been doing.  Nothing is ever rushed, and I just find it to be a very relaxing experience.  As I serve here as a missionary I am limited on transportation.  And with other reasons, I have needed a ride to my appointments and back.  This is a picture where I was actually accompanied to one of the appointments with my MomJ.

How Cancer has Blessed my Life.

I am so blessed with the many changes which have happened to me in my life. I have always enjoyed a good adventure, whether in a book or movie. I enjoy the different twists and turns, and the unexpected. I enjoy comparing myself to the heroes of the stories I read. Every good hero always grows from the experience they have. They make the best of every situation.

I feel I have had my own adventure in my life as I have battled cancer. I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) in February 2006. I initially went through 8 months of chemo therapy. I then had a relapse of cancer in July 2007. I then had a subsequent 3 months of chemo, and a bone marrow transplant in December of 2007.  At the time it seemed the transplant would be the "end" of the trial I was having, but with the transplant also came something called Graft vs. Host disease. It is where the bone marrow I received begins to attack my own body. I have had numerous complications from this, and it has helped to continue to learn and grow.